My son is growing up, so he doesn't want me to kiss him goodbye at school anymore. Here's why I do it anyway.

• After seeing school shootings on the news, I started kissing my son goodbye at school each morning.
• Now that he's 10, he's starting to pull away from me when I go in for the kiss.
• I will keep doing it until he tells me to stop because I don't know if it will be the last time.

I can still remember sitting in front of my TV, watching the news, and finding out about the Sandy Hook school shooting. The tears instantly stung my eyes. At the time, I had a bunch of kids around the same age in my life — my own nieces and nephews and my friend's kids.

The following year, I gave birth to my son. School shootings didn't stop. With each new school shooting, I could only think of the parents who had lost children. None of them realized when they said goodbye that morning it would be the last time they spoke to their children or heard their voices. Those hugs or kisses or high-fives were the last ones. They had no reason to believe that day would be any different from the others. It felt like my heart would never stop breaking for them.

I vowed to kiss my son before he goes to school every day. But as he gets older, it's becoming more difficult.

I started kissing my son goodbye at school when he enrolled in kindergarten

When my son turned school-age, I dropped him off for his first day of kindergarten. Every morning, I would stand at the gate and kiss his cheek, telling him I loved him and would see him at the end of the day.

Halfway through kindergarten, the pandemic happened. He was home with me for the next year and a half, so I didn't have to worry about his safety. He didn't go back until fall 2021 — when he started second grade.

On May 24, 2022, two classrooms full of fourth graders were shot and killed in Uvalde, Texas, only a year or two older than my son. I sat on my couch, wordlessly scrolling through my phone, reading the news, and crying.

The next morning, I kissed my son at the school gates and held it for a beat longer than usual, thinking about the parents whom I had seen crying for their children the day before. My son shrugged away from me, giving me a look that said, "Stop being weird, Mom."

That night, as I was tucking him in, he asked me what was up with the kiss that morning. "Well, I want you to know how much I love you," I told him. What I didn't want to say was: "I want to make sure you remember how much I love you in case I never get to tell you again."

My son is now starting to pull away when I kiss him goodbye

My kid is 10. I still walk him to school every morning, and once we get to the gate, I plant a kiss on the side of his head and tell him I love him and that I'll see him later.

But in the past few months, I've noticed that he tries to duck or pull away from me as I get close to his face. He's at the age where appearances are incredibly important, and he doesn't want his friends to see his mom giving him a kiss on the cheek.

I get it, of course, but he's my only child. If something happened to him, I would be bereft, and it would kill me if I knew I hadn't kissed him goodbye. I can't tell him any of this.

I eventually asked if he would rather I kiss him before we reached the school gates.

Thankfully, he placated me. "No, Mom, it's OK," he assured me. If he had asked me to stop, I would have, but I wouldn't have liked it.

I will do it until he goes off to college if he lets me because I take comfort in that morning goodbye kiss — even if its recipient is a reluctant receiver.