I’m mad about iPhone sizes all over again

Let’s talk about small phones. Yes, again.

No, you’re obsessed with small phones. Oh, no, whoops, it is actually the Macalope. Sorry about that.

The thing is, the Macalope is so old he remembers when one of the controversies around the launch of the original iPhone was speculation that Apple used a hand model with particularly large hands in order to make the iPhone seem smaller. Yes, the thinking back then was that the original iPhone with its 3.5-inch screen was so big that Apple was trying to cover it up by hiring Jeff “Large Hands” McGinty away from the walnut-crushing factory to make it look smaller than it actually was.

(We hadn’t invented -gates at that point so it wasn’t called “Handgate.”)

No, Jeff did not crush the walnuts by hand. Don’t be ridiculous. He worked at the walnut-crushing factory because he could more easily manipulate the very large levers of the walnut-crushing machine with his massive mitts.

What were we talking about? Oh, small phones.

Fast-forward to today and the smallest phones on lists of “the best small phones” are either expensive flip phones that are still large when flipped open or start at 5.9 inches. That is not a small phone.

And the phones just keep getting larger. If you are a fan of small phones, it is like losing the same argument over and over and over again every year for the rest of eternity. The iPhone 14 Plus. The iPhone 16e. The entire rumored iPhone 17 lineup.

Because there are no more small phones, this has reached the point where it is a usability issue. As the Macalope has said before, if you see a pop-socket, they blew it. Sure, some want a large screen regardless of whether or not they can touch all of it with one hand or even walk to the other end in their lifetime and will slap a pop-socket onto it to make it work for them no matter how stupid it looks. But if someone has to put a pop-socket on your smallest phone to be able to use the entire screen, you have created a usability issue, which is an odd thing for Apple which usually prides itself on usability.

But, wait. The horny one said, “There are no more small phones”. That’s not completely true. It’s true that there are no name-brand small phones, but some companies are at least raging along with the Macalope against the dying of the light. One even put it in the name: “Minimalist Light Phone III launches March 27”

This phone features a 3.92-inch screen and a minimalist interface designed to prevent distracting notifications, doom-scrolling, and also probably enjoyment of any kind. While the Macalope heartily supports the existence of this phone for those who are looking to be less obsessive about social media, work, and other diseases that have an ill effect on the bodily humors, it’s not what he’s really looking for. The Macalope wants something full-featured, certainly for the $799 Light wants for this phone (it’s available for “a limited time” starting at $599).

Fortunately, Light isn’t the only one in the small phone game” “Big smartphones might be out—the NanoPhone fits in your pocket and is less than $90.” It even kinda looks like an iPhone 16 that you left in the dryer too long. An iPhone 16 for ants.

The NanoPhone has a 3-inch screen. Okay, the Macalope never thought he’d hear himself say this but that might actually be too small. Large screens are a usability issue but typing on a screen that small also seems like one. Still, the Nano Phone is a full-featured Android phone, capable of running your favorite apps (well, the Android versions of them anyway) smally. And at $200 (currently on sale for just $90), it’s priced in accordance with its diminutive size and feature set. While the Light phone isn’t for the Macalope, this one is mildly tempting, if only as an angry statement.

Price was never really the Macalope’s driver in buying small phones, however. Sure, it was nice to get an iPhone for less, but the Macalope simply preferred a small iPhone. Heck, he’d even be willing to pay more for one. While he heartily supports the effort shown by both the Light Phone and Nano Phone, converting to Android simply sounds exhausting.

It would be a lot easier if Apple just made a small phone again.